Severly Messed Up SMU
by Stormhawk
Summary: It's finally back! New chapter and new character!
1. Default Chapter

**Title: **Severely Messed Up

**Author:** Stormhawk

**Rating: **PG

**Disclaimer: **

Matrix universe and associated characters: Wachowski brothers. 

Angel, Star and T'Lorie belong to themselves. And the men with white coats.

The 'humans suck' tee belongs to Lejindarybunny, a good friend of mine. Go check out her work. 

**Word Count: **1142****

**Summary: **This is a randomly requested fic from the message board. ****

**Notes:** Friends-insertion, these scary people do exist. 

To join our randomness, go to Stormhawk.hyperboards.com 

It's set in a parody-verse of the Agents series, but you don't need to read them to understand anything. I do highly recommend them. Just for the new people who don't know, we got Jones and Brown reversed ok?

**Please read and Review.**

The conference room was very still; Agent Clarke had left about five minutes ago, stating that the new agents would be there soon. They were already late, which was odd for agents. 

Smith looked at Stef who shrugged, Brown sat back in his chair and daydreamed about shooting rebels and punching Bob, his punching bag that Recruit Zane had named. Jones required his laptop and searched for some glitches. 

The silence continued for ten minutes then Smith looked at the others, "where are they?" 

"It could be possible that their programs had some problems, but we would have been informed of that," Jones said as he shut the lid of his laptop and drummed his fingers on it. 

Giggling from outside the door both agreed and disagreed with Jones' theory. The door swung open and three sugar high female agents walked in. "Sorry we're late," the brunette said. "We needed sugar. I'm Agent Angel." 

The other agents could have sworn they heard Brown squeak when the next agent walked through, she was blond and had deep blue eyes; she looked one hell of a lot like Whitman. "I'm Agent T'Lorie."

 Lastly one with black hair walked in, unlike the other two suited agents, she was dressed in black slacks and a black v-neck top. "I'm Agent Star," she said. All three of them required chairs and sat down across from the other agents. 

The other agents mumbled their names, quite afraid of the new agents' behavior. Then again these programs were R-A, random agents. The mainframe must have been drunk when it came up with them, or something. 

"Will you be working with us?" Smith asked tentatively, "Clarke didn't specify on that point." 

"I WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS!" Angel roared at the older agent. Stef winced and Jones held his laptop, Brown's hand was straying further and further toward his gun.

Smith raised an eyebrow, "will you now? And why is that?"

Angel looked confused that he wasn't intimidated by her roaring. The red cordial stain on the bottom of her shirt may have been part of the reason. "Because," she said in a more civil tone, "I am an interrogation agent." 

"That does not give you permission to raise your voice at me," Smith said calmly. 

"I'm the tech agent," T'Lorie said. 

Jones relaxed somewhat; the other tech agent didn't seem quite as strange as Agent Angel. "I like to cause glitches," she continued. Jones' face fell. "Glitches of all kinds," she chanted and ran around the room. "SUGAR!!!!" 

Angel grabbed the back of T'Lorie's suit and pulled her back down into her chair. "Sit down." 

"I will havo dad Mellon." 

"What language are you speaking?" Brown asked, as his earpiece had failed to translate it for him. "Or is it gibberish?" his hand was now sitting on his gun, if nothing else, it was helping to make him feel safe. Like a blankie. 

"She said, 'I will sit down friend,'" Stef mumbled, "though why an agent is talking elvish is beyond me." 

Angel pouted, "I likes elves. He looks like Elrond!" she said pointing a finger at Smith. She jumped over the table and pulled at his ears, "look, I can make them pointy." 

Smith was horrified, he picked the buggy agent up and carried her back around the table and placed her in her chair. "Don't ever do that again." 

"Yes sir, Elrond sir. Legolas is hotter than you though."

"Mm, Neo," Agent Star said as she kicked her feet up and placed them on the table.  

"What did you just say?" Stef asked in horror.

"Neo is hot." 

"Can we shoot them now?" Brown asked. 

"Relax," Star said holding up her hands. "I'm a deception agent. I'm meant to…distract him." She finished with a wicked smile. "It does help that he is a god of good looks sent down from somewhere beyond the mainframe." 

Angel shook her head; "even we want to shoot her when she gets in this mood." 

"How long have you actually been online?" Jones asked, trying to bring the conversation back into the realm of normality. 

"About a month," T'Lorie replied. "We have been learning the fine points of having fun. Something you agents wouldn't know about." 

Star looked from Jones to Brown and back again, "you guys aren't Chippendales are you?" 

Agent Star was shot by six guns, she blinked out of sight then back in again. "I was joking, I would pay good money not to see that," she paused, "but even more money to see Neo like that." 

Brown looked at Smith, pleading permission to shoot them, Smith shook his head. "Will you be working at this agency?" he tried again. 

"I ASK THE…" Angel started to shout again.

"Just answer the question Agent Angel," Smith said with an intense look on his face. 

Angel whimpered, T'Lorie stopped sending weird looks at Brown and Star took her feet off the table. "No," Angel said in what approached a normal tone. "We have been assigned our own, it's two blocks from here." 

"Good," Smith said and sat back in his chair. 

"Can we make our agency pink?" T'Lorie asked. 

"No." Smith said.

"Yellow?"

"No."

"Green?"

"No."

"Polka-dots?"

"I will let Agent Brown shoot you in a moment if you continue this line of questioning." T'Lorie saluted and shut up. Star was sitting quietly requiring herself into different outfits, deciding which would the best to distract Neo with. 

"Yo, Agent M," Star said looking across at Stef, "whatcha tink?"

"That you need vocabulary lessons," Stef deadpanned back at her. 

"No, about the outfit," Star stood and twirled. 

"I honestly don't believe that a 'humans suck' tee-shirt will attract the highest valued rebel that has ever existed." 

"Oh, right. How about this?" the tee-shirt now said 'agents suck.'

"That statement could be considered traitorous," Brown said. He desperately wanted to shoot these three. 

"Whatever," Star said and changed back into her original outfit. 

"Ok girls," Angel said, "let's go." 

"Let's go shopping," T'Lorie said. "Please, please, please?" The other two nodded as they walked out the door. As soon as they were out the door Brown shifted away. They didn't know where he went. 

***

Brown paced in his private him, walking in a straight line from one side to the other, holding a baseball bat. 

"Can't work, buggy female agents will get me," he repeated over and over. 

***

"I do believe they have serious glitches in their codes," Jones said. 

"You can say that again," Smith said rubbing at his ears.

""I do believe they have serious glitches in their codes."

"I wasn't being literal," Smith said with a groan, Jones shrugged and walked out with his laptop.

"Why would the mainframe program three agents who act like that?" Smith asked. 

"I have no idea Agent Elrond," Stef said with a shrug.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ok, I wrote that in like half an hour, after promising the real life versions of the trio for weeks. Want more? Beg in a review lowly humans…


	2. Episode 2: Attack of the punching bag

**Title: **Episode Two:** Attack of the punching bag**

**Author:** Stormhawk

**Rating: **PG 

**Disclaimer: **

Matrix universe and associated characters: Wachowski brothers. 

ATS universe (of which this is a parody) co-owned by me and Overlord Mordax.

Angel, Star and T'Lorie belong to themselves. And the men with white coats.

Bob was invented by Mordax (well, his first appearance was 3am), named by Zane and is owned by Brown. 

**Word Count: **1809****

**Summary: **The buggy random agents get their own agency and set about causing trouble. 

**Notes:** Don't take this seriously or your head will hurt. 

Ok, this is too fun to give up so I will be continuing it whenever the random mood hits me. 

**Please read and Review.**

The trio of buggy agents skipped out of the central New York agency and off down toward the one that they had been assigned. They hadn't actually visited it yet; they'd been living in an apartment for the month that they had been online. 

But first, shopping. 

Agents Angel, T'Lorie and Star spent four hours shopping and when they were dead on their feet – at least figuratively speaking because they were programs and couldn't get really that tired – they hefted their bags full of clothes, CDs and other such things they finished walking to their new home. 

"Oh man," Angel said upon seeing the agency. 

"This place is a dump," T'Lorie said. 

"It defiantly would look better pink," Star agreed. 

Angel smirked, "girls, I think it is time for some requirements." The other two grinned evilly. About an hour later, after some debates on color for the internal walls (because if they changed the outside walls the other agents would get suspicious) it was more to their liking. 

Especially their rooms. 

Traditionally agents had offices and it was only the recruits that had actual bedrooms, but these agents being RA, they wanted their own rooms. 

 Each room was approximately the size of a penthouse apartment, and they decorated them to their own tastes. 

T'Lorie sat at her computer causing random glitches in whatever parts of the Matrix she could hack into, Angel devised interrogation techniques and ways to get information out of rebels. 

Star was in her room, requiring different hairstyles. Tonight she would go and look for Neo.

She had always thought of him as Neo, not Anderson or 'the anomaly' as the other agents did. She wasn't anything like the old agents, well neither were her co-workers because they were new and experimental but she had been programmed with a purpose. 

All agents had purposes, kill rebels, kill exiles and destroy at all costs the anomaly Anderson. So far the third one hadn't been accomplished so when the RA's had been brought online she had been programmed as an alternative. If they couldn't kill Anderson, at leas they might be able to distract him for a while. 

She was a deception and distraction agent. What she did to distract him was up to her. 

At first she had hated him, studied all his files to discover his weaknesses as to exploit him. Then something had changed, she wasn't sure what it was but she fell in love with him. 

Yes, it was possible for an agent to be in love. Well, not the old agents because they had no emotions whatsoever but she and her co-workers had been programmed to be more human. 

She shifted into T'Lorie's room. The blond agent was cackling evilly.

"T'L what are you doing now?" Star asked as she required a chair and sat down beside her. T'Lorie grinned and pointed to the screen. 

"For the love of the mainframe…" Star groaned as she watched the scrolling code display of the other agency. The screen showed Agent Brown sitting in his office typing out a report. "What are you going to do?"

"Just watch him, he never stays long in his office, he just types out his reports then goes into his gym." They waited for a moment for him to finish typing, he sent the report then went through the door into his private gym, so he didn't have to train with anyone else. 

He walked across the room toward his punching bag, it was such a human thing but it gave him a place to focus his energy. Cracking his fingers he punched the bag and waited for it to swing back toward him. 

"Ow." 

Agent Brown stopped and looked around, Star watched on in confusion but T'Lorie had already fallen off her chair and was giggling hysterically. 

"What's going on T'L?" 

"I WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS!" Agent Angel roared from behind them, "so what's going on?"

T'Lorie pulled herself back together and clambered back onto her chair. "I reprogrammed his punching bag, watch." 

Agent Brown shook his head, surmising whatever he had heard had a logical explanation.

Oh man, was he ever wrong. 

He kicked the slightly swinging punching bag, which his recruit had amusingly named 'Bob' Brown disapproved of inanimate things having names but if something as stupid as humans could have them then he would allow it. 

"Would you please stop hitting me?" A softly accented voice asked. "It does hurt you know."  

"What?" Brown asked as he drew his gun. 

"I said," the voice was quite annoyed now. "STOP HITTING ME!" 

"Who's there?" the combat agent asked of the otherwise empty gym.

"Umm…that would be me smart-ass, your punching bag," as it spun Brown took a step back in horror as it now had a face. The face was made of the folds in the worn leather two eyes stared out at him, if Brown had been human it would have reminded him of the sorting hat from Harry Potter. 

"What is going on?"

"You're going to find something else to bash up." 

"This isn't happening."

"Yes, it is," the punching bag said. 

"This is a glitch," Brown reasoned. 

A gloved hand appeared next to the punching bag and flew over to Brown, it stopped inches from his face…

…then slapped him. 

"Would you feel that in a glitch?"

"Yes. There is pain in glitches, but the events in them don't actually occur." 

"Cool," Bob said, "then I can b1tch slap you again." 

"No, you can't," Brown said, "It's time for this to end." He drew his Desert Eagle and shot the punching bag several times.

"That wasn't very nice…" the punching bag said as it bled sand all over the gym floor. "You shot me." Brown smirked, hopefully once all the sand was gone it would cease talking and this extremely odd glitch would be over. 

The punching bag phased like the Twins and it reappeared good as new with all the missing sand replaced. Brown gulped. The hand b1tch slapped Brown again before flying back over to Bob. Another appeared and they unhooked Bob. The punching bag, once free of the cord holding him to the roof smirked and a pair of shoes appeared under him. It rose off the floor and started to punch Brown. 

Brown tried to fight back but whenever a punch got near him the bag or hand would phase and the blow would pass straight through it. 

***

All three of the RA's were rolling around on the floor in hysterical fits of laughter. This was the best thing T'Lorie had ever programmed…besides maybe reprogramming the Washington agents' suits bright pink for a day and having them followed around by insane sheep. All of whom were named Billy, except for one who was named William. 

***

Brown took a couple of steps back from the Frankenstein-like punching bag and tried to shift from the room, but he was unable to. Unknown to him, the reason for this was that T'Lorie had put a firewall around his gym preventing him from exiting the room. 

Finding himself trapped Brown hurriedly pressed two fingers into his earpiece and called for help. 

"Oh, has cry-baby had enough?" the English-accented punching bag asked. "How does it feel?"

"But you're just a punching bag!" Brown screamed. 

"Punching bags are people too!" Bob yelled back. 

"No they're not!" 

"Yes they are!" 

"Agent Brown?" Smith asked from across the gym. 

"Sir the punching bag is attacking me!" Brown yelled across the room then looked back at Bob, the hands, shoes and face had appeared. 

Agent Smith blinked and waited for an explanation that didn't sound like it had come from an agent high on mainframe access. 

"It appears normal Agent Brown, are you sure it wasn't a glitch?" 

"It wasn't a glitch." 

"Glitches can be very real," Jones reminded him, "and it seems to be the logical answer." 

Brown raved on like a mad man telling them how it had come to life and attacked him; he imitated the accent and started to act out what it had done. He was so involved in the explanation that he didn't notice Stef's smirk crack into a smile, which became a giggle, then a smothered laugh, now she was holding onto Smith's arm to stop herself from slipping to the ground with laughter. 

It cut out as soon as she saw something strange. "Um…Smith?" she asked letting go of him, as she was sane enough to hold herself up now.

"Yes?"

"The punching bag just blinked." 

"What?" Jones asked. 

"He mustn't be glitching, I saw it blink." 

"See?" Brown asked desperately. "I was telling the truth." He took a couple of steps back and waited for Bob to betray himself. 

They waited for a minute.

And kept waiting.

And waited some more.

"Oh, to hell with this," Brown said and shot the punching bag. 

"Ow, I told you not to do that," Bob said as he phased to repair the damage. 

A hush fell over the agents as they saw that Brown was indeed, in his right mind, and that a punching bag had come to life. 

"Well, I think it's time to make my exit," Bob said. "Cheerio chums," he said as he ran toward a window and jumped through it. 

"I think I saw this in a trailer once," Bob said as he fell toward the ground. 

He landed beside two tall albino men. "Hello chums," he said, "know where a fella can get a pint around here?"

"Two," One said, "did that punching bag just talk?"

"I think he did brother." 

"Well?"

"There's a pub down the street," Two said. "We were just headed there ourselves." 

"Jolly good," Bob said as his shoes reappeared and he smiled at the twins. "Let's go. First round's on that guy," he said pointing to Nameless Bodyguard #1 who was on the way to the pub with them. 

"Why me?" NB#1 asked.

"Cause I said so," Bob said.

"Oh, ok." 

***

"Bob?" T'Lorie cried at the screen. "Where for art though Bob?" 

"Bob went exile," Star deduced from the readout. 

"No, not Bob, I liked him," Angel said as she required a handkerchief and blew her nose. 

***

"Why did my punching bag turn homicidal?" Brown asked the other agents. 

"It could be an unforeseen type of glitch," Jones suggested. "Or it could have been the RA's."

"Damn female agents," Brown cursed.

"Hey!" Stef said angrily.

"Damn buggy female agents then." 

"Can we please take them offline, I think they are dangerous," Brown asked. 

"No, we can't." Smith said. "They have to remain online." 

"Just get another punching bag Agent Brown," Jones said as the others left. 

Brown waited until they had left, then he put his fingers to his earpiece. "Recruit Zane report to my gym." 

To be continued…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hey, I'm glad you guys are liking this so far. This is so fun to write, I practically did what T'Lorie just did and fell off my chair while I was writing this. 

I couldn't resist making Bob a sentient character, and giving him an English accent was just a random idea (maybe I should have him meet up with my lie detector, does anyone remember that thread?) and sending him exile gives the opportunity for more random stuff in chapters to come. 

Hopefully next chapter I can introduce the rebels (damn rebels, we hates them forever…*Gollum*) at Star can get at Neo (here's a tip Mr. Anderson, run REALLY quickly) 

Oh man, I feel so dirty for mentioning Potter *throws self at feet of PJ and grave of JRR 'please forgive me masters, I know not what I do!'* but it was the best way for describing how Bob's face would work. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

And now the reviews: 

AoD: Clowns will eat us all while we sleep

Chosen Shadow: More is on the way 

Shadow Peach: Come visit us on the board, this is only a taste of our insanity. The blankie line is my fav too.

Two Bored Idiots: Well, Angel part of this is your fault

Star: Yes, Brown's sanity will be questionable at least several more times

RedPony: I'm so happy it caused you pain Zane (that rhymes), maybe you can follow them in chapters to come

AgentGreen0814: *Gollum* that's my saying you tricksy false thief 

Alocin: Yes, I am insane, and I can I borrow your koalas?


	3. SMU3

**Title: **Episode Three: Distractions 

**Author:** Stormhawk

**Rating: **PG 

**Disclaimer: **

Matrix universe and associated characters: Wachowski brothers. 

ATS universe (of which this is a parody) co-owned by me and Overlord Mordax.

Angel, Star and T'Lorie belong to themselves. And the men with white coats. 

**Word Count: 884**

**Summary: **Star loves Neo, nuff said.

**Notes:** I hate Anderson, also nuff said. It pained me to have him in there and not have at least one person shoot him. (at least in this chapter OK Star? My agent training won't allow me to be non-violent toward Anderson forever ok?)

Me: please forgive me Smith, Star made me write it like this

Smith: No

Me: please?

Smith: no 

Me: I'll make your ears pointy for the rest of the story

Smith: *draws gun*

Me: *cries* 

Smith: Stop that and I will think about it

Me: *does happy-Smeagol dance*

Odd, this chapter is less random than the others, hope you enjoy anyway. 

**Please read and Review.**

Agent Star, supposedly the most intelligent – and sane – of the buggy agents was walking aimlessly around the city trying to find any sign of her beloved Neo. 

She loved him so much; she had even made a small shrine to him in her room. Nothing elaborate, just a couple of pictures – including several manipulations that allowed her to see him in a suit. "All guys look better in suits," she had mumbled as she tacked the pictures up. 

And now, the thought of them made her smile. "Agent Anderson," she mused. Well, that might have been a possibility if Smith had bothered to try and recruit him instead of just bugging him. Stupid Smith. 

She had tried several regular rebel hangouts, none of which had given her a clue as to where her precious could be. She smiled a little wickedly as she was sort-of glad that he was a rebel, which introduced a 'bad boy' element that wouldn't have been there otherwise. 

But at the same time, he thought he was a good guy. A plan formed in her mind. If he thought he was so good then he would have to prove it. She shifted to the top of the nearest tall building, made sure there was no one else around then stepped up onto the railing. 

"Oh dear," she cried pitifully as she 'fell' of, "I'm falling." Neo could fly and surely he wouldn't let a damsel in distress fall to her doom would he? 

Well, apparently he would, she discovered when she hit the pavement. 

Shifting into another body she tried the same trick several times until on the seventeenth try she fell into his arms instead of a cold street. 

"Neo!" she squealed and held on as he landed on the nearest building. 

"Are you ok?" he asked with concern, as he didn't know she was an agent, he code didn't read like an agent. 

"I'm fine now," she said as she latched onto him. He was wearing a suit, she realized, this must be what heaven is like. 

"Why did you jump off the building, were you trying to hurt yourself?"

"I fell," she said weakly. "I don't feel so good." 

"Here, sit down," he said leading her to a chair. "You'll be ok, I have to go." 

"My knight in a shining black suit has to go already?" 

Neo pouted, "how come Trin doesn't say nice things like that?"

Star, playing the innocent, asked, "Who's Trin?" 

"She's…" he stopped then looked at Star, "she just doesn't say things like that. It's usually 'go save the world Neo,' 'Zi…the city is in danger, you are the only hope, go do something now!" 

Star gave him a sympathetic look, "it sounds like she doesn't appreciate you." 

"I love her, I just wish she would appreciate ME, not just what I can do." 

"Dump her." 

Neo shook his head, "fate brought us together." 

"Did fate also say you had to stay together?"

"I never thought of it like that," he said honestly. "I really have to go now." 

"Will you be there the next time I fall?" 

"If you happen to fall off the old hotel on the corner of Franklin and Connors next Friday at nine-thirty, then sure." Neo smiled, put his sunglasses back on then took off into the night. 

Star collapsed back into the chair, with a big smile on her face. Being a distraction agent definitely had its advantages. 

*****

"And where have you been young lady?" Angel asked from under a pile of pixy-sticks. 

"Working," Star said with a smile on her face. 

"Oh – you found him didn't you?" T'Lorie asked as she looked up from her Vanilla Coke and laptop.

"Mm-hmm," Star said and tried to escape her co-workers so she didn't have to explain everything to them. Yes, it was her job to distract Neo but that didn't mean she had to spill everything to the other random agents. 

"GET BACK HERE!" Angel yelled, "We want details." 

Star sighed and required a chair for herself and told her story. 

*****

"Welcome back," Tank said as he pulled the plug from Neo's neck as he came back into the real world. "You're a hero." 

"Why?"

"Well," the operator said, "you did save that girl from going splat." 

"Oh, her," Neo said a little wistfully. 

"You're home," a voice said from behind him, he turned and saw Trinity. He wrapped his arms around her and gave her kiss. "Did you complete the mission?"

Neo stopped himself from sighing, the question was quintessential Trinity, the war came first – even before their supposedly fated love. He nodded and let her go.   
  


"Where are you going?"

"I'm gonna lie down for a while, I'm a little tired." He walked from the main deck but didn't walk to their cabin; instead he headed down into the bowels of the Neb and crawled into a small spot behind the engine. It was a tight fit to get in, but was roomy enough once you got in. It had been storage space at one time but was now in disuse. It was warm and the engine gave off a comforting constant hum. 

As he drifted into unconsciousness he realized that he hadn't even asked her name. 

But he would next time.  

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ok, even I want to shoot myself after that. Nasty, tricksy rebels, poke out their eyeses we will *gollum* but I promise randomness next chapter. 

Think an interrogation by Angel. 

Now run screaming in fear.   


	4. SMU4

**Title: **Episode Four: Why? 

**Author:** Stormhawk

**Rating: **PG 

**Disclaimer: **

Matrix universe and associated characters: Wachowski brothers. 

ATS universe (of which this is a parody) co-owned by me and Overlord Mordax.

Angel, Star and T'Lorie belong to themselves. And the men with white coats.

Gingerbread man: Whoever wrote Shrek, and Dreamworks SKG

The lie detector: me  

**Word Count: 623**

**Summary: **The adventures of the buggy random agents. 

**Notes:** Umm…don't think so

**Please read and Review.**

"Why are you following me?" Jones finally asked Agent T'Lorie after he had walked around the agency for a full ten minutes trying to lose the buggy agent. 

"Why not?"

"Don't answer my question with another question."

"Why not?"

"Agent T'Lorie do you want something or are you simply trying to irritate me?"

"I am simply trying to irritate you."

"Go away," the tech said as he slammed the door to his office. 

"Geek!" T'Lorie yelled at the door. 

Agent Jones opened his door, "you are also a tech agent," he reminded her.

"Yeah! Oh…" T'Lorie pouted and walked away.  

***

"I want to interrogate a rebel," Angel said as she trailed Smith. 

"Go find one then." 

"Can't I just have one of yours?"

"We don't have any prisoners for you to interrogate."

"What about that?" She asked pointing at something. 

"That's a recruit."

"That?"

"That's an agent."

"That?"

"That is a houseplant." 

"Coolies, I'll go interrogate that then." Angel picked up the houseplant and skipped off down the hall. 

"Do you think she can hurt herself?" Stef asked Smith quietly. "I mean, walking around seems to be a dangerous activity for them." 

"Sir," Zane said walking up behind them

"Zane, where did you get that bruise?" Stef asked worriedly about the large purple bruise in the shape of Rhode Island on his face. 

"Bob ran away, I'm the new punching bag." 

"O…K," she replied as he walked away. 

***

"Is it just me," Greer asked as Zane walked into the gym. "Or do you have a bruise the shape of Rhode Island on your face?"

"My, what keen observation skills you have," the other recruit said dryly as he drew his dagger. "Want to spar?"

Greer steadied his katana, "bring it on road-map."  

***

"So tell me, Mr. Houseplant," Angel said as she slowly circled the innocent plant, which she had secured to a chair in an empty room of her agency. "What do you know about Zion?"

The houseplant, of course, said nothing. 

She required a file and slapped it down on the table in front of it. "You've been living two lives haven't you?" 

The houseplant said nothing.

"I will get the truth from you. You're a spy for the rebels aren't you?"

It didn't answer her. 

"TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!" she bellowed at the innocent piece of foliage. 

"Very well," she said as she filled a needle with weed-killer. 

"Not my gumdrop buttons," a squeaky voice said from near her. 

Agent Angel blinked and looked at the gingerbread man. "What are you doing here?"

"I dunno."

"Go away."

"Ok," he said and disappeared muttering about the muffin man.  

"You will tell me what I want to know," she said to the plant as she pumped the weed-killer into the dirt. 

"Give me the access codes to the Zion mainframe," she hissed at it. 

It still said nothing. 

Getting an idea she required a lie detector. She put the various extensions onto the houseplant and switched the machine on. 

"Do you know the codes to the Zion mainframe?"

The lie detector beeped. Then spoke. "It doesn't." 

"Well, why not?"

"Because Agent Angel," the lie detector said in a Sherlock Holmes-type accent, "it is a houseplant. Now could you cease this ridiculous interrogation of a plant and get me a cup of tea." 

"Don't count on it Sheerluck." 

"Don't call me that," it said, as it required some tea for himself. "Hmm…tea, earl gray, hot." 

Agent Angel required the plant back to the other agency then shook her head in confusion as the lie detector required a book and started to read it. 

"Note to self," she said. "Keep away from English-accented-supposedly-non-sentient-items."

The lie detector sipped its tea.  


	5. Enter the new RA!

Title: SMU Chapter Five  
  
Author: Stormhawk  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own the Matrix. Do own ATS universe with Lord Mordy. The RAs own themselves and Boris belongs to Alocin.  
  
Word Count: 647  
  
Summary: The newest RA arrives and causes an uproar. And further threatens Brown's mental health.  
  
Notes: Yep, SMU is back by popular demand, I finally decided to write another chapter, mainly inspired by Jones' line about the RAs multiplying. It won't be so long between updates from now on, promise.  
  
Please read and Review.  
  
"RAMPAGING KOALA!!!!!!!!!!" Brown screamed as he ran down the hall past the other agents.  
  
He skidded to a halt as he saw their confused expressions, "run! You'll be killed!"  
  
"Agent Brown...are you all right?" Smith asked slowly as he looked at the manic fear in Brown's eyes.  
  
"The koalas are coming! The koalas are coming!"  
  
Jones looked at him, "did you have a glitch!"  
  
"No I didn't you geek! Look!" The rest of them looked down the hall but saw nothing.  
  
"I'm not a geek," Jones said with a pout.  
  
"I never thought...ok maybe I did...I would say this, but Brown's gone nuts," Stef said as she shook her head.  
  
"Oh have I?" he said as he looked down the hall again.  
  
"Oh crap...RAMPAGING KOALA!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Smith pulled out his Desert Eagle...it flew away with an expression of disgust, suit lint isn't good for feathers. They all blinked then shrugged. Smith pulled out his gun and looked at the others. "It's obviously rabid, so shoot it!"  
  
"Don't you dare shoot Boris!" An accented voice said as a teenage girl rounded the corner.  
  
"My god," Jones said, "they're multiplying!"  
  
"NOT ANOTHER ONE!!!!!!" Brown screamed as he pulled out his gun and aimed it at the new Random Agent.  
  
"Don't shoot me," the RA said as the koala came and stood at her feet. "I'm Random Agent Alocin."  
  
"Why didn't you arrive with the others?" Smith asked sensibly as Brown made a quick exit.  
  
"I got lost," she admitted. "When we were out looking for sugar...I kind of got distracted by some shiny spoons and after following this little bald kid around for a while and then I got obsessed with koalas."  
  
"And...you're pet?" Jones asked timidly.  
  
"It's a rebel-eating koala."  
  
"Oh," Smith said with a smile, "that is a good idea."  
  
"So where are my compatriots?" Alocin asked as she threw a small piece of rebel to Boris.  
  
"They have their own agency," Smith explained, "perhaps you'd like to join them over there."  
  
"How do I find it?"  
  
"Follow the screams and sugar trails," Smith said dryly.  
  
"I have a better idea," Alo said as she bent down to Boris' level. "Boris? Take me to the others ok? Smell for laptops, sugar and Neo posters."  
  
The koala grinned maliciously and scampered off down the wall.  
  
"I am somewhat disturbed by the fact that the koala is running along the wall," Jones muttered.  
  
"Here," Brown said to each of them as he came back down the hall and handed each of them a baseball bat. "This is the only true defense against a RA."  
  
"And what about the pet koala?" Jones asked as he shook Brown, "will it work against the koala?!?!?!?!"  
  
"I'm not sure..." Brown said as he started to back away, "try it on that FLYING KOALA!!!!!"  
  
"AHHH!!!" the others screamed and went to bash the FLYING KOALA but it flew straight past them and attached itself to Brown's face.  
  
"Get it off me!" they heard his muffled scream.  
  
"We should run while we can," Jones said.  
  
"I guess this is the price for perpetually smelling like dead rebel," Stef muttered. "Ah well," she said as she bashed the koala with her baseball. "What the hell? This is a plastic squeaky bat! What is this supposed to do against koalas?"  
  
"Boris!" Alocin's angry voice said, "stop mauling that guy and come on, we need to find the others so that we can be among the ones like us..."  
  
Boris shrugged and let go of Brown. Brown jumped to his feet and held his baseball bat at the ready in case it came back.  
  
"Must...research...koala...repellent..." he muttered as he walked away and required some Band-Aids.  
  
"Is that the last RA that's going to come?" Jones asked.  
  
"Let's hope so," Smith said.  
  
Brown was pacing his gym again, "that demon koala is going to give me nightmares for the rest of eternity." 


End file.
